Anxiety: A Signal of Something Unresolved

Anxiety is a common human emotion, and so is fear. But they are very different from one another. Fear is a response to a life-or-death threat. Anxiety is a response to an internal threat to self. Let me explain.

When there is a threat to our life, like a car accident or someone pointing a gun at us, we have an automatic response; we fight them off, get the heck out of there, or freeze (become immobile.) This is fear.

Anxiety, on the other hand, is a mixture of internal responses to life. It’s related to how we think about ourselves and what has happened to us and around us.

An example: A child witnesses their parents fighting about them on a regular basis. Because the child is young, they assume there is something wrong with them. It’s their fault their parents are so angry and sometimes violent with one another. This is common for children because developmentally, they don’t have the capacity to think things through. “Children filter life events through the lens of self.” As an adult we have the capability to consider the same scenario, “I may not be the problem; my parents may not know how to communicate in a productive way.”

“Children filter life events through the lens of self.”

Result: There are many ways children can respond to parents fighting about them. This is one common response.

·      Thoughts- “There must be something wrong with me because all they do is fight about me. What’s wrong with me? I must be bad. I need to try harder next time. If I’m a better kid, my parents will stop fighting.” This is the emotion of shame. An adaptive strategy of the child is to reject themself (There must be something wrong with me). As they develop a “bad” perspective of self to cope they “do” something to make it better.

·      Behavior- The child spends their lifetime trying harder, getting A’s in school, being the best athlete, or doing what their parents want despite having different desires. These are all ways to deal with feeling less than, not enough or shame.

·      Physical and Emotional Responses- The child can experience stomach aches, headaches, feel overwhelmed (anxiety), get sick often, have emotional outbursts or aggression (anger), withdraw, depression and feel nothing.

·      Long-term ramifications- From the outside, this looks like what every parent would want from their child: perfect behavior. But on the inside, the child is learning to despise, hate, and reject themself. (“Why can’t I just get it together? I’m such an idiot. I bet I would be a better basketball player if I had longer legs. If I could figure out how to stop my parents from fighting, we could be a happy family.”) Most of the time, these thoughts are only inside the mind of the child. It’s like a software program that is running in the background. The child is learning to pressure themselves to be perfect. This can lead to anxiety.

The child grows up to be an adult with the same thoughts (script) rolling around in their head and the physical response called anxiety. The body learns to adapt and respond to the thinking. It’s like a software program just helping the person to cope with feeling shame. The child's thoughts about themselves are brought into adulthood.  Fast forward 2-3 decades later, they are living with debilitating anxiety.

Anxiety is not an emotion. It’s a signal that something else is going on. When anxiety becomes chronic or overwhelming, it can be a sign that something deeper is unresolved.

There are many possible sources of unresolved issues that can manifest as anxiety. Any one of these examples can lead to nervousness, fretfulness or worry.

• Trauma: Early suffering, distress, or traumatic experiences can leave us feeling unsafe and insecure. Trauma is something that overwhelms our coping capacity. This can lead to anxiety about the future or about our ability to cope with difficult situations.

• Childhood experiences: Negative childhood experiences, such as abuse, neglect, or bullying, can have a lasting impact on our mental health. These experiences can leave us with feelings of shame, worthlessness, or distrust.

• Unmet needs: When our basic needs for love, acceptance, and security are not met, it can lead to feelings of anxiety and insecurity.

• Unresolved conflicts: Conflicts that are not resolved can leave us feeling angry, resentful, or guilty. These unresolved emotions can contribute to anxiety.

• Fear of the unknown: The fear of the unknown can be a major source of anxiety. This can be especially true for people who are prone to worry or who have a history of negative experiences.

What to do

It is also important to remember that anxiety is a normal human experience. Everyone experiences it from time to time. However, if your anxiety is interfering with your ability to live a full and happy life, it is important to seek professional help.

If you are struggling with anxiety, expectations, or pressure, it is important to consider whether there may be unresolved issues in your life that contribute to your symptoms.

When we experience early suffering, distress, and trauma it disrupts our development. We develop adaptive strategies to deal with the pain.

One counseling approach** assists us in coming back to our true God-given nature by exploring how we adapted to survive difficult circumstances as children. This awareness helps connect us to our sense of agency, which is our ability to choose how we want to respond to life and its challenges. Leading us to an increase in contentment, peace, and joy.

**If you’re curious about this approach to counseling or would like to set up an appointment, contact me here. For more information about this approach click here.